Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
