Please, let me fuck your mom
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
