our cab driver is having phone sex.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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