just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
