dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
