**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
