Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize