Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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