when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
