This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
