You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
