alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
