i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
