a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
