Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
