I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
