i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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