he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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