then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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