Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You're like the curious george of whores
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
