I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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