awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
