I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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