I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
