before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
