dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
