You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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