if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just sucked dick on a ferry
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
