turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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