good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
