i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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