Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
