mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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