in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
