Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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