WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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