somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
