how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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