He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
