I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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