If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
