I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
