You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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