my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
