You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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