I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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