So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
