Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
