she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
