saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
