Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
