Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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