I should be sponsored by Trojan
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
