and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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