If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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