Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
