just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize