I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
